October 2009 Article 1 | Article 2 | Poetry Corner
“But I Want to Change!” Why Making Changes Can Be So Difficult
In today’s success-driven culture, we are frequently bombarded with messages about how to make changes that will ensure results. Whether it’s an advertisement for the latest diet or a 6-week plan to better your financial future, the message is frequently the same: If you work hard and stick to the plan, you’ll achieve your goal. And for a majority of us, the success promised remains elusive. Perhaps you blame yourself for not being able to make changes, or you blame the plan itself.
The Plan
Using a logical perspective, motivation to change may be quite apparent. If you are trying to make positive changes, you most likely understand the benefits. For example, the positive points of quitting smoking are easy to see: decreasing your risk for lung disease, breathing easier, and having more money are just a few motivators. You throw away your cigarettes and are ready for a new life without cigarettes! So why do you pick up a cigarette 1 week later?
The Complexity of Being Human
On a conscious level, the desire to change may be quite obvious. Who wouldn’t want to improve health, save money, or be more organized? But as humans, we are so much more than just our conscious thoughts and feelings. Each of us carries an imprint of past experiences, dating back to our earliest days (even before we could talk!). However, we are rarely even aware of how these early memories affect us today. If, as very young children, we lived in a home full of turmoil. , we may have learned that only when we put something in our mouth did we feel comforted and safe. As an adult, the earlier imprint may become reactivated when feeling threatened by a potential job loss or breakup of a relationship. And therein lies the complexity of being human. The old behaviors return because feeling safe becomes a greater motivator than saving money or improving our health.
How Lasting Change Occurs
Conscious, logical thoughts can result in change. However, this approach often relies on “willpower” to gain the desired outcome. This sets up a dynamic of wrestling with our deepest desires (i.e., wanting to not feel threatened). And so a battle ensues. We “fight the fight” and gain mastery over our behavior. But what happens when our vulnerability kicks up beyond our level of tolerance?
Lasting change requires us to drop the fight. Rather than using willpower as the agent of change, we needto be curious about our behaviors, notfight them. It requires a process known as inquiry. This means noticing our behaviors and asking ourselves questions that help us understand why we keep returning to old behaviors.
An Example of Inquiry
Suppose you’ve been on a diet for the past 2 weeks. You’ve followed the plan exactly, and you are really proud of yourself for losing 7 pounds. Then you have a fight with a family member. You call your husband to tell him what happened and don’t get the response you want. Perhaps he has to run into a meeting and says he can’t talk. The next thing you know, you’re reaching for the cookie jar. What happens next? Do you tell yourself that you’re weak for not having willpower, or do you say, “Wow, why am I reaching for cookies when I’m not hungry?”
By repeating inquiry over and over each time you return to your old behavior, a shift begins to happen. Inquiry allows us to appreciate our own complexity, our own narrative of what makes unique with regard to change. By making peace with our behavior rather than battling it, true change occurs.
The Athena Connection: October 2009 Article 1 | Article 2 | Poetry Corner