October 2009 Article 1 | Article 2 | Poetry Corner
The Self-Taming of the Shrew: Does Self-Monitoring Bring about Change?
The Shrew Living on My Head
I have a personal story that perhaps will sound familiar. Recently, I found myself blow-drying my hair as I do every day. I found one portion of my hair to be exceptionally unruly. It dipped where I didn’t want it to and despite all attempts to straighten through traditional methods, it was clear that I was losing the battle. I found myself talking to my hair-- “You think you’re going to win! We’ll see about that!” And I dove into the cabinet and pulled out the hair straightener. “Aha!” I said. “Now we’ll see who’s going to win!” It stayed straight for about 20 minutes. Then it went right back to its natural wave.
A Significant Story
Why have I chosen to write about something as insignificant as drying my hair? Because I believe it bears an important message. As I was fighting with my loathed wavy hair, I began to think of Shakespeare’s famous play “The Taming of the Shrew.” In this 16th-century play, Katharina (Kate), an unruly, violent-tempered woman, is thought to be unmanageable and therefore unable to be married. Through a plot of twists and turns, Katharina marries Petruchio, who then sets about to tame his wife, who then becomes obedient. I soon came to realize that I was acting as Petruchio, insisting that my hair obey me in order to be accepted.
Self-Taming as a Means to Change
How many of us believe we need to be different in order to like ourselves? How often, in our attempt to gain self-acceptance or the acceptance of others, do we insist that we tame ourselves in order to be acceptable?
The dilemma with this practice however, lies in the consequence of self-taming. When we believe who we are or what we look like is unacceptable, we begin treating ourselves like a prisoner who has committed a heinous crime. We begin to live in a never-ending cycle of criticisms aimed at our most vulnerable selves. Comments such as “You’re going to eat that?” or “I can’t believe you just said that!” become the dominating voice in our lives. And beating ourselves up with a hammer cannot, under any circumstances, lead to change. Maybe it can for a few days, a few weeks, maybe even a year. But long-lasting change requires us to accept ourselves, wavy, unruly hair and all. It was only after I recognized the metaphor of “The Taming of the Shrew” that I began to recognize the cruelty of what I was doing. Did I like my wavy dip? Not particularly. But I accepted that it wasn’t going anywhere. And I began to recognize that just as I don’t like to be told by others how to be, my hair was doing the same. It wanted to be what it was that day — a glorious, big dippy wave.
A Compassionate Approach: The Lasting Way to Change
True change requires us to treat ourselves with kindness and respect. Think about it: If you are at work and your boss is critical of your work, are you motivated to keep going? You may be, but my guess is it comes at a price. If as children we learned to change behaviors for fear of the consequences, then criticism, shame, and fear may be motivating. However, living your life with fear and shame is an enormous burden.
Most of us need praise, encouragement, and acceptance in order to be motivated to change. Some of us were lucky enough to learn this as children. For others, we needed to learn how to offer ourselves compassion. Kindness and respect open our hearts while fear and shame shut it down. When our hearts are open, we’re more likely to believe in ourselves and take new risks. It’s not in the taming of our shrews, but in the acceptance of them, that true change occurs.
The Athena Connection: October 2009 Article 1 | Article 2 | Poetry Corner